I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
