if you like me you must not know who I am
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
