weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
