i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
