I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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