2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
