It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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