A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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