i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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