Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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