How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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