the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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