Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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