the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
