My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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