What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize