I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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