Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
