I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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