Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize