The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize