It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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