My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
