hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
