my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
