drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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