I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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