The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
