We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
