so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
either way he was missing a nipple.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
