Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
