he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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