So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
