And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Couch. On fire.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
