I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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