no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
