the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pooping to opera.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
