im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
