I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
