Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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