I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
