I faked an abortion last night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
