I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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