Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
