Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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