you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
