id be glad to
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize