Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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