i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
