Someone shit on the floor
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
