I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
