just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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