if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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