I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
