mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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